On seeking validation from August Wilson

So one big lesson from publishing my debut novel is confronting my need for validation. The journey to self actualization can be lonely and quiet and sometimes so loud it’s deafening, so in comes what feels like a “once in a lifetime” opportunity to make something great. But really it’s a chance to look super deep inside myself. And to dance with my shadow self. My shadow self, it turns out, needs a lot of validation. Perhaps it’s been ignored so long that it wonders if it’s still there. So this publishing journey has allowed it to run free and a muck as the old folks say. It has allowed me to traverse a range of emotions from guilt, shame, and imposter syndrome to elation and bliss. I have had to confront the ways that different reviews make my emotions fluctuate. And the one I think I’ve been most scared of, more than I hated it this, is I don’t get it. I think more than I knew, I want to be understood, not liked, not loved, but not seen as completely insane. Well releasing art into the world allows one to experience everything. And it magnifies any voices you may be scared to listen to. Early on someone told me to hold onto my first five star review because when the one stars rolled in I’d need it. Not me the overachiever getting a one star review, but in fact that has happened. And worse I’ve felt ignored, or the one I struggle with most, misunderstood. But a stranger told me the other day to grow some rhino skin and make it so tough that horns nor teeth could penetrate it. I usually see myself as a soft bunny. But I think that too is a lie from the pits of shadow self hell. In fact my skin is a lot tougher than I thought and almost like rubber, so sleek the rain just bounces off of it. I think my tough childhood gave me the very best thing, resistance and something to fight against. All that said after crying to Ms. Marie that my book made no lists, one day later it made three! Ironically. This one came from Seattle and I attribute it to August Wilson always listening and being a funny ancestor . Love you too, Mr. Wilson. And I love this review. I have not checked Good Reads in days and that feels so good.