On seeking validation from August Wilson

So one big lesson from publishing my debut novel is confronting my need for validation. The journey to self actualization can be lonely and quiet and sometimes so loud it’s deafening, so in comes what feels like a “once in a lifetime” opportunity to make something great. But really it’s a chance to look super deep inside myself. And to dance with my shadow self. My shadow self, it turns out, needs a lot of validation. Perhaps it’s been ignored so long that it wonders if it’s still there. So this publishing journey has allowed it to run free and a muck as the old folks say. It has allowed me to traverse a range of emotions from guilt, shame, and imposter syndrome to elation and bliss. I have had to confront the ways that different reviews make my emotions fluctuate. And the one I think I’ve been most scared of, more than I hated it this, is I don’t get it. I think more than I knew, I want to be understood, not liked, not loved, but not seen as completely insane. Well releasing art into the world allows one to experience everything. And it magnifies any voices you may be scared to listen to. Early on someone told me to hold onto my first five star review because when the one stars rolled in I’d need it. Not me the overachiever getting a one star review, but in fact that has happened. And worse I’ve felt ignored, or the one I struggle with most, misunderstood. But a stranger told me the other day to grow some rhino skin and make it so tough that horns nor teeth could penetrate it. I usually see myself as a soft bunny. But I think that too is a lie from the pits of shadow self hell. In fact my skin is a lot tougher than I thought and almost like rubber, so sleek the rain just bounces off of it. I think my tough childhood gave me the very best thing, resistance and something to fight against. All that said after crying to Ms. Marie that my book made no lists, one day later it made three! Ironically. This one came from Seattle and I attribute it to August Wilson always listening and being a funny ancestor . Love you too, Mr. Wilson. And I love this review. I have not checked Good Reads in days and that feels so good.

Love Notes

Once I was feeling really down about a lover and one of my mentors said, “It’s ok, you will fall in love with your readers soon and they will fall in love with you and there you will find the love you’ve been searching for.”

I did not understand. I thought maybe this was a ploy to get me writing again.

“One lover could never provide it,” she laughed.

Whoa?! Right?

Well fast forward to the love letter I got this morning on Good Reads. They tell me not to read the reviews but it’s like telling a child not to eat the candy.

This morning I got my sugar rush. Especially that he wanted to dig deeper into the text and that he found it cozy. Cozy!!! That’s beautiful.

Ryan Small, I love you, too.

Jeannine

Spoiler alert

I think she’s right, it’s designed to be discussed. I hope more people do that eventually. I met a baby and realized she’ll be 18 in the year 2042. It made me tell myself to be patient.

I am not writing a book at the moment after having powered through two. But I am thinking about a part two to both books. We’ll see how we do. It would make more sense to readers if they knew I was thinking of it as if I were writing a series of novels and a series memoirs and not just one.

Ms. Marie said I gotta see it like I am in it for the long haul. And I am. That’s the spoiler alert.

“Ms. Marie said I gotta see it like I am in it for the long haul. And I am. That’s the spoiler alert. ”
— -Jeannine paraphrasing Ms. Marie

Reviews

I attended a book talk and told the audience I’m a genre-fluid writer. I don’t think my stuff fits nearly anywhere. The novel for sure but the memoir even more. If anything it’s surrealist. The whole experience feels real and not real to me. Like I wish there was a group I could talk to just about book talks.

Here’s a reader from that event and her thoughts. 👇🏾

Chai and reading and libraries

Today one of my customers bought her daughter by. Her daughter is 25. She lives in NYC but was in Philly for the holiday. The mother had to bring her daughter to the shop because she’s like I was talking to my daughter and she’s telling me I need to read this book that she checked out from The New York Public Library. She said she’d gotten two books but only really enjoyed this one called It’s Me They Follow. So her mom flips her wig. Because first off I met her mom almost a year ago when she first moved to Philly and walked into Harriett’s. I invited her back for the Deeply Rooted Dinner Party where she got to see the space when I was hosting a small dinner dedicated to my parents roots and culture. Anyway they came in because we all agreed it was an uncanny experience. Them both reading the same book at the same time and the mother having met me already. The daughter is fine and the mom is on pg 163. Her daughter wants to open a chai shop on the side. Turns out the mom teaches literacy to preschoolers. I tell her to bring the children by and also have some stuff for free. Small world. Yet big. Thankful.

Below is not the image from the mom or the daughter but instead the photo I was sent today by a different reader on Instagram. To those on the journey with ME —I know this all thread of webs feels awesome to experience.

Thanksgiving

I only wish I’d started sooner. Spent so long hiding. I was using my gift to help others, but forgetting about myself. In that time I wasted, I missed the opportunity to share this moment with folks who are no longer here on this side of life, but I know they are enjoying it from some place else on the other side. 🙏🏾